10 Tips to Build Resilience in Teens and Young Adults

By American Psychological Association

The ads make it look so easy to be a teen — everyone seems to be laughing, hanging out with friends, wearing exactly the right clothes. But if you’re a young adult, you know that life can be pretty tough sometimes. You may face problems ranging from being bullied to the death of a friend or parent. Why is it that sometimes people can go through really rough times and still bounce back? The difference is that those who bounce back are using the skills of resilience.
The good news is that resilience isn’t something you’re born with or not — the skills of resilience can be learned. Resilience — the ability to adapt well in the face of hard times; disasters like hurricanes, earthquakes or fires; tragedy; threats; or even high stress — is what makes some people seem like they’ve “got bounce” while others don’t.
What are some tips that can help you learn to be resilient? As you use these tips, keep in mind that each person’s journey along the road to resilience will be different — what works for you may not work for your friends.

1. Get Together
Talk with your friends and, yes, even with your parents. Understand that your parents may have more life experience than you do, even if it seems they never were your age. They may be afraid for you if you’re going through really tough times and it may be harder for them to talk about it than it is for you! Don’t be afraid to express your opinion, even if your parent or friend takes the opposite view. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Get connected to your community, whether it’s as part of a church group or a high school group.

2. Cut Yourself Some Slack
When something bad happens in your life, the stresses of whatever you’re going through may heighten daily stresses. Your emotions might already be all over the map because of hormones and physical changes; the uncertainty during a tragedy or trauma can make these shifts seem more extreme. Be prepared for this and go a little easy on yourself, and on your friends.

3. Create A Hassle-Free Zone
Make your room or apartment a “hassle-free zone” – not that you keep everyone out, but home should be a haven free from stress and anxieties. But understand that your parents and siblings may have their own stresses if something serious has just happened in your life and may want to spend a little more time than usual with you.

4. Stick To The Program
Spending time in high school or on a college campus means more choices; so let home be your constant. During a time of major stress, map out a routine and stick to it. You may be doing all kinds of new things, but don’t forget the routines that give you comfort, whether it’s the things you do before class, going out to lunch, or have a nightly phone call with a friend.

5. Take Care Of Yourself
Be sure to take of yourself – physically, mentally and spiritually. And get sleep. If you don’t, you may be more grouchy and nervous at a time when you have to stay sharp. There’s a lot going on, and it’s going to be tough to face if you’re falling asleep on your feet.

6. Take Control
Even in the midst of tragedy, you can move toward goals one small step at a time. During a really hard time, just getting out of bed and going to school may be all you can handle, but even accomplishing that can help. Bad times make us feel out of control – grab some of that control back by taking decisive action.

7. Express Yourself
Tragedy can bring up a bunch of conflicting emotions, but sometimes, it’s just too hard to talk to someone about what you’re feeling. If talking isn’t working, do something else to capture your emotions like start a journal, or create art.

8. Help Somebody
Nothing gets your mind off your own problems like solving someone else’s. Try volunteering in your community or at your school, cleaning-up around the house or apartment, or helping a friend with his or her homework.

9. Put Things In Perspective
The very thing that has you stressed out may be all anyone is talking about now. But eventually, things change and bad times end. If you’re worried about whether you’ve got what it takes to get through this, think back on a time when you faced up to your fears, whether it was asking someone on a date or applying for a job. Learn some relaxation techniques, whether it’s thinking of a particular song in times of stress, or just taking a deep breath to calm down. Think about the important things that have stayed the same, even while the outside world is changing. When you talk about bad times, make sure you talk about good times as well.

10. Turn It Off
You want to stay informed – you may even have homework that requires you to watch the news. But sometimes, the news, with its focus on the sensational, can add to the feeling that nothing is going right. Try to limit the amount of news you take in, whether it’s from television, newspapers or magazines, or the Internet. Watching a news report once informs you; watching it over and over again just adds to the stress and contributes no new knowledge.
You can learn resilience. But just because you learn resilience doesn’t mean you won’t feel stressed or anxious. You might have times when you aren’t happy – and that’s OK. Resilience is a journey, and each person will take his or her own time along the way. You may benefit from some of the resilience tips above, while some of your friends may benefit from others. The skills of resilience you learn during really bad times will be useful even after the bad times end, and they are good skills to have every day. Resilience can help you be one of the people who’ve “got bounce.”
Article courtesy of the American Psychological Association. Copyright © American Psychological Association. Reprinted here with permission.

How To Help Young Athletes Overcome Mistakes
From our friends at by Peak Performance Sports - Dr. Patrick Cohn
www.youthsportspsychology.com

In a survey we conducted at The Ultimate Sports Parent, more than 45% of sports parents and coaches said that their kids become easily frustrated or angry after making mistakes. They know kids struggle to let go of mistakes. As a parent or coach to young athletes, you must attempt to help them better cope with disappointment and setbacks. Kids who can’t handle their frustration are more likely to drop out because they no longer have fun.
We receive almost daily questions from sports parents and coaches about how to help their athletes cope with frustration. Due to the demands coaches and parents place on their athletes, this is a huge issue for young athletes today. For example, a sports parent, Gretchen, says that her 10-year-old baseball player gives up after one bad at-bat or one poor game. He simply checks out, she says.

Many coaches and parents resort to negative reinforcement to rid kids of their anger, frustration, and tantrums during practice and competition. I’ve tried this with my daughter. “Just sit out if you can’t control your frustration.”

But punishing kids for getting upset in practice or competition does not work! Do you make your athletes do laps when they get angry or hit their racquet or bat on the ground? Do you threaten to pull kids out of sports altogether if they can’t control their outbursts, like I have in the past?

Punishing kids only causes your athletes to get more upset the next time because they know you will come down on them. It does not help kids with the real issue: What’s going through your athletes heads after they make mistakes or lose. Your athletes don’t learn the skills that help them cope.

Why Athletes Get Frustrated
Frustration begins with your athletes’ expectations. They demand perfection of themselves or expect to win all the time. If you have a hot head, most likely he or she expects to have a perfect game and never strike out or commit a turnover. They may tell themselves they must score 15 points or go 4-for-4 at the plate.

This ridged thinking sets them up for failure in their eyes—and disappointment—especially when these athletes think they are failing to perform up to your expectations. However, unrealistic expectations is only half the story…

After committing a mistake, your athletes are probably hard on themselves. They’ll scold themselves after mistakes: “That was stupid. Why did I strike out?” Or “I can’t stand missing a shot on goal.” What happens next is a nightmare for parents…

The athlete will lose composure, get angry, and often lose confidence. Coach may pull the athlete from the game. Sometimes he or she may even give up and tank the game or match. I’ve personally seen this a lot in baseball and tennis.

Thus, punishing kids for their tantrums in sports does not work. First, you have to help them change their ridged beliefs and expectations that cause the frustration trap. Second, you also have to give your athletes strategies they can use in the moments they start to unravel and when they are self-critical.

Helping Athletes Overcome Rigid Expectations

Expectations are the “shoulds” that athletes uphold, usually about outcomes, quality of performance, personal statistics, and how others should treat them. For example, a common expectation is: “I should win easily today.” The “shoulds” set up your athletes for disappointment or frustration if they don’t achieve these personal demands.

Once you have identified your athletes’ expectations, they must agree to discard them, which is easier said than done. Why? Your athletes have learned – In some cases for many years – to hold tightly to their expectations about performance, statistics, and outcomes. You’ll want to help your athletes replace their outcome expectations with simple mini-goals or objectives that will lead to greater composure.

How to Help Athletes Be Let Go of Mistakes

As a coach or parent, focusing on your athletes’ observable behavior of shutting down or crying is not the best solution. You have to address your athletes’ view or beliefs about their mistakes. When frustrated or angry, athletes’ minds are glued to the past. You want to help your kids focus on the present and not dwell on the past. Your players must learn to move on to the next play, shot, routine, or point.

A good place to start is to ask your athletes to write down their anger-causing thoughts soon after practice or the completion of competition. Please allow them to “cool down” first and then ask them to recount what they were thinking right after the mistake. Help them to recall the specific thoughts that lead to frustration or anger.

How athletes think about their mistakes is what can cause emotional pain, not the mistake itself. Your athletes will want to replace the anger-causing statements with composure-boosting statements that help them let go of the anger by instilling greater self-acceptance. This is a difficult step for most kids because at this stage their learned behavior is self-criticism. The new statements will soon begin to interrupt the old pattern of anger-causing thoughts and instill a new way of thinking about mistakes. This will create a better emotional reaction.

Dr. Patrick Cohn is the author of “The Composed Sports Kid” CD program. Visit Peaksports.com to learn more about The Composed Sports Kid CD program.